I feel emotional and adrift. The song that has been going through my mind a lot is Evanescence’s “Lost in Paradise.” It feels ecstatic but also bewildering to be involved in the world again in a physical way. Course prep has been time-consuming. Today I had no time for anything else, which was unnerving, since every day, I’m further behind on the dissertation than I intended to be.
It feels like the day I photographed the sunflowers in the field besides Cheddar’s that I have been in a new, ecstatic place. That was the day I knew I was going to get Johnny the next day. That day and every day since have been precious days, because they have been days when I had Johnny. Maybe it’s really wrong to feel so complete, at a soul level, over having a doll, but I don’t care. I really don’t care. In this world, in this time, finding this peace, this ecstasy, having my doll. It isn’t harming anyone. Having him with me every day brings me peace and energy to give more to the world, and the world needs all of us to be present.
Besides Johnny, there has been The Palace of Bardo. There hasn’t been a manhwa that obsessed me like this since the glory days. It’s got such an addictive hold over me. I can’t stop thinking about it. I truly go to bed thinking about it at night, or just think about it in my spare moments to comfort myself. There is no fandom about this, no way to share my internal screaming with others. I can barely contain it. I have gone back and re-read chapters multiple times. It’s taking all the life out of me. If I had never known what manhwa, never known anything about Korean culture, this would be bringing me to my knees, just like in 2005. It would happen just like the first time. Maybe I should have changed. Maybe I should have evolved, gotten over it. But I haven’t gotten over it. It’s this “thing” that manhwa has. I have some literary descriptors to put it into words in some oblique way, but my feelings elude them completely, and I can’t know if anyone has ever felt the way I have. It really is like pain and pleasure that once felt, I just have to keep tapping into, because it’s addiction. Maybe some people feel that way about k-pop. I don’t know. It isn’t all of Korean popular culture, just the manhwa. It has a hold on me. It makes me powerless. I just want to become its servant for the rest of my life.
Besides this, I got some items of Milk Makeup from Mercari that are supposed to arrive Friday and Saturday. I am really excited about these. I’m getting lipsticks in Deuces and C.R.E.A.M. and a blush stick in Werk. I need new colors so badly. The bright coral colors do not look right on me. Dusty rose has been the color I have been drawn to lately. I threw away the Milani lipstick in Rose Femme along with my other makeup that had toxic ingredients. I have missed that color a lot. It’s the one color in the recent past that’s become iconic for me. I’m hoping Deuces will fill that void.
I just got myself another pair of skinny jeans. I thought about it pretty hard, and I just can’t wear any of the jeans that are in style. I genuinely think they are ugly. The high waist is also not going to work with any shirt I have, and I don’t want to buy other shirts, or other jeans. These jeans don’t have rips in them, so I can wear them to work on Fridays with a nice shirt and give my feet a break.
Sunlight-Colored Roses 