Sunlight-Colored Roses

Today has been a snow day. I haven’t been very productive. I wasn’t really sure how productive I should be versus how much I should or could enjoy the snowfall outside. I enjoyed organizing my to-read lists and reflecting on what I’ve read over the past year. At the same time, a cloud of confusion keeps covering me at times. I’m not sure how to live. It has to do with that academic persona.

It occurred to me today that soon, I’m going to literally have a PhD. I already get called “Dr.” by students sometimes, and I think it gave me a little shock of excitement back in 2018, but I don’t feel it anymore at all. I thought, am I really good enough, smart enough, to have a PhD? I felt doubtful about it. I guess ideally I would like to have a little more certainty about how to live and structure my time if I’m going to have that advanced of a degree. However, I feel messier and more scattershot than ever. Today was a good example of that.

I did some academic work. Chapter Four is about considering my position as an English-speaking American studying Korean literature. I’m looking into the history of that. I’ve located some good books. I’ve finally found some excellent criticism that fends off Said. It articulates orientalism in terms of the relationship between the United States and East Asia much better. I got overwhelmed with all the books I found, and I found a pretty important one I’m going to have to request via ILL, which I dread, because I don’t want more delays.

I went outside three different times, though it is very cold. I took pictures of the property, took pictures of Mason, and took up the trash and got the mail. I have been fighting a headache all day today. Looking at the snow makes it hurt worse, but I’ve done what I can to appreciate it while it’s here.

I found this old entry, Stranger, today. It was written nearly thirteen years ago, but it sounds like my voice today. I was surprised at what I said. I wondered how my worldview would shift when I lived in a real house on a property. I would say it shifted quite a bit. However, having the extra space expanded our hobby worlds quite a bit, also. I thought there was so much I would leave behind: Gackt and everything I associate with him, manhwa, dolls. But I have a special room for that, even if it’s overflowing, and I can’t imagine having those hobbies or interests without the room to contain them. My feelings toward Josette and Model haven’t changed in the past thirteen years, either. I’ve lost myself in both so many times, and they’re still a compelling mystery to me.

As apprehensive as I feel about the future, realistically, I think I will find a permanent position and that we will find a home elsewhere if I can’t find a local job. It’s a big change. I’ve never lived outside of Texas before. I’m excited by the thought of doing so, of becoming familiar with different landscapes. This area and particularly Arlington are part of my soul. It scares me to think of leaving them behind. As I navigated the snow on foot, I wondered if I would need to really learn how to navigate snow one day. The thought was exciting. A place that snows quite a bit every winter.

I realized today that I haven’t discussed manhwa much in this journal, even though it’s been such a big part of my life for so many years. I have been reading from my Tappytoons app almost daily lately. I finished The Palace of Bardo and started Where the Wind Stays. Today, I started Intense. Intense is available in paperback, but it’s really expensive. All nine volumes are available, but I suppose they are in black and white and follow a different format. In Tappytoon, the comic is colored, though it definitely sticks to a stark palette. I love the atmosphere of it. I was drawn to the title picture right away. I’ve only read the first free episode, so I don’t have much to say about it yet.

I had also bought the first volume of My Androgynous Boyfriend in Austin. I liked it okay. It was pretty expensive, though, and it didn’t have the same appeal to me that manhwa does.

One thing I thought I would never do is get back into Boy’s Love manhwa. When I wrote that blog entry Stranger, it was probably not something that even crossed my mind. I am pretty sure I read one in 2014 called Boy Princess. I’m reading another by the same author now called Sweet Blood on Tappytoon. It’s hard to read in webtoon format, though. It’s not colored and the text is very dense, making it hard to read. I fully embrace my reading of Boy’s Love manhwa now. Of all the things that have changed in the world since the mid-00’s, I’m really happy it’s still around and that I have a way to read it. Some are good, some are just okay. But simply reading about them and discussing what I think of them is a joy. I don’t know why I denied myself that for so long.